Favorite Quotes from 'How to Know a Person'

A "must-read" in my opinion.

David Brooks’ How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen has quickly moved into my top 20 favorite books, if not top 10. I have listened to it twice, read it once, and hope to read through it again with my staff team at West Franklin. It was on my list of favorite books from 2023. I believe it is one of the most important books of our time, right now.

One of the main reasons I say this is because, though not labeled a “Christian” or “religious” book (though Brooks is both Christian and religious), it is a book that exegetes and applies Genesis 1:26-27. In other words, How to Know a Person is a 300 page implication of what it means for humans to be made in God’s image. For instance, in chapter 3 - after writing a beautiful story about a guy named Jimmy - Brooks writes:

When Jimmy sees a person—any person—he is seeing a creature who was made in the image of God. As he looks into each face, he is looking, at least a bit, into the face of God. When Jimmy sees a person, any person, he is also seeing a creature endowed with an immortal soul—a soul of infinite value and dignity. When Jimmy greets a person, he is also trying to live up to one of the great callings of his faith: He is trying to see that person the way Jesus would see that person. He is trying to see them with Jesus’s eyes—eyes that lavish love on the meek and the lowly, the marginalized and those in pain, and on every living person. When Jimmy sees a person, he comes in with the belief that this person is so important that Jesus was willing to die for their sake. As a result, Jimmy is going to greet people with respect and reverence. That’s how he’s always greeted me.

Now, you may be an atheist, an agnostic, a Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, a Buddhist, or something something else, but this posture of respect and reverence, this awareness of the infinite dignity of each person you meet, is a precondition for seeing people well. You may find the whole idea of God ridiculous, but I ask you to believe in the concept of a soul.

With so much loneliness, screen usage, and animosity everywhere - Brooks’ dive into how we can truly see and know one another (and be seen and known ourselves) is a must for everyone - especially those of us who claim to be “Pro-Life.”

Here are several of my favorite quotes from the book:

The real act of, say, building a friendship or creating a community involves performing a series of small, concrete social actions well: disagreeing without poisoning the relationship; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to end a conversation gracefully; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to let someone down without breaking their heart; knowing how to sit with someone who is suffering; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced; knowing how to see things from another’s point of view. These are some of the most important skills a human being can possess, and yet we don’t teach them in school (pages 7-8).

On social media you can have the illusion of social contact without having to perform the gestures that actually build trust, care, and affection. On social media, stimulation replaces intimacy. There is judgment everywhere and understanding nowhere (pages 8-9).

“The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,” George Bernard Shaw wrote, “but to be indifferent to them: that’s the essence of inhumanity.” To do that is to say: You don’t matter. You don’t exist. (page 9)

If you want to thrive in the age of AI, you better become exceptionally good at connecting with others.” (page 11)

Being an Illuminator, seeing other people in all their fullness, doesn’t just happen. It’s a craft, a set of skills, a way of life (page 27).

Accompaniment often involves a surrender of power that is beautiful to behold. A teacher could offer the answers, but he wants to walk with his students as they figure out how to solve a problem. A manager could give orders, but sometimes leadership means assisting employees as they become masters of their own task. A writer could blast out her opinions, but writers are at their best not when they tell people what to think but when they provide a context within which others can think (page 52).

the SLANT method: sit up, lean forward, ask questions, nod your head, track the speaker. Listen with your eyes. That’s paying attention 100 percent. (page 75)

I’ve come to think of questioning as a moral practice. When you are asking a good question, you are adopting a posture of humility. You’re confessing that you don’t know and you want to learn. You’re also honoring a person. (page 87)

People are longing to be asked questions about who they are. “The human need to self-present is powerful,” notes the psychologist Ethan Kross. A 2012 study by Harvard neuroscientists found that people often took more pleasure from sharing information about themselves than from receiving money. (page 92)

In theory, it should be possible to repair yourself alone. In theory, it should be possible to understand yourself, especially the deep broken parts of yourself, through introspection. But the research clearly shows that introspection is overrated. . . introspection isn’t the best way to repair your models; communication is. (pages 142-143)

…when writing a thank-you note, my egotistical instinct is to write a note about all the ways I’m going to use the gift you just gave me. But if I’m going to be an empathetic person, I need to get outside of my perspective and get inside yours. I’m going to write about your intentions—the impulses that led you to think that this gift is right for me and the thinking process that impelled you to buy it. (page 149)

“It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are…because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing. It is important to tell our secrets too because it makes it easier…for other people to tell us a secret or two of their own.” (page 166 - Frederich Buechner from his book Telling Secrets)

…character building is not something you can do alone. Morality is a social practice. It is trying to be generous and considerate toward a specific other person, who is enmeshed in a specific context. A person of character is trying to be generous and just to the person who is criticizing him. He is trying to just be present and faithful to the person suffering from depression. He is trying to be a deep and caring friend to the person who is trying to overcome the wounds left by childhood. He is a helpful sounding board to the person who is rebuilding her models after losing a spouse or child. Character building happens as we get better at these kinds of tasks. (page 171)